Say What...!?!?!?

The last day, to the best of my knowledge, before the "window" closed.

 

I was told NO!!!

OMG

 

All I can do is calmly ask myself how did i get here? And breathe.

 

Four days in a row was "too much". TOO MUCH!?!? Seriously??

 

I just needed one more day. I will be fully contributing our failed cycle on his lack of desire to put on the happy face and perform in the circus.

I think mayby next month a shopping spree at Victoria's Secret is in order.

Who Knew?

Everyday I learn something new that I never would have thought was all that important in a previous life:

*For a week every month, sex becomes a little less romantic; ok, a lot less romantic

*Men really don't readily perform on demand as easily as women think

*Plan to add 15 new abbreviations to your vocabulary (AF, CM, BD, RE, BFP, OPK, LHS, BFN,ect)

*Not only do you know what CM is, you know how to increase it, produce it, and make it thinner

*You can handle 10 pills a day

*You'll be surprised to find yourself daydreaming about twins at least once

*No matter how crazy that man is for you, he will eventually say "no more", and it will crush you like a
bug

*

Bad, Bad, bad

Oh boy, where to start....

It seems as though Clomid might not exactly be a good option to continue with past this point. I could try and be real funny and make my normal sarcastic jokes. But this drug is no joke. Four days after I took the last pill; I became extremely depressed, teetering suicidal. I was very scared at how strong that feeling was, that wasn't there the day before. The next day I woke up better for most of the day and then in the evening I once again hit a very low point. My whole family unit could have easily come apart with days and days of these mood swings.

So my scan? This is 5 days past the day of the last pill. For me the goal is to produce more than one egg, the thought being that more than one may increase the likelyhood that one will be good enough to not miscarry. Well I had a mature follicle on the left, and an immature follicle on the right. So it looked like I wouldn't be getting more than one this go round. My doctor decided of course to increase the clomid for next month. I think the pure fear in my eyes made her question that decision. I was scared to death to take twice the amount of that drug. Very scared. So she prescribed Femara for the next cycle.......maybe we'll get lucky and won't need it.

Finished First Clomid Round

On Saturday night I finished the fifth dose of clomid. I started having mild cramping a few days ago that get a little more intense each day.
I have a mild form of the hot flashes. I feel like someone put a warm blanket over me from head to toe.

I have ridiculous headaches!

I will go Thursday to get an ultrasound of my ovaries. I will also know if i stand a chance of the multiples I keep getting threatened with,  we shall see. David says "f**k it! let's have triplet girls!"
He's a funny guy ;)

I also wanted to take a moment to reflect on some of the bold comments people have made to me:

"why don't you quit having babies and let some of us that have none get to have one?"
~well, I really don't think me having 5, 10, or 15 has anything to do with you not having any.
"you know, it's probably devine intervention" (regarding multiple losses)
~wow, ok.
"are you nuts?"
~obviously.

That's all....will update Thurday! Wish me luck.

The Last 24 hours.....with side effects oh my!!

First clomid dose last night around 9pm. All is calm on the home front, no big deals.

OR NOT!

Within 3 hours I was crying uncontrollably and breaking up with my boyfriend. Who I might add, doesn't  always take me too seriously for a good 10 minutes.

 

I guess one could say that my mood suddenly changed. It's actually scary. Even scarier is that your doing this and now are trying to break up because of this, when all you really want to do is because of this with the one your trying to break up from.

I can see how the female species keeps the male species guessing

So the fun continues the next morning. When I can't get out of bed. And then when I finally do, i have a list of possibilities:

A) refuse to get up

B)get up and at least pretend I'm participating

C)fake it and then go to sleep at the next golden opportunuity

I was blessed with the desire to sleep. All the time. My eyes were very cooperative, cause at times they simply refused to stay open.

Tonight is dose #2, here's to hoping the next 24 hours are a little less emotionally challenging.

Chasteberry (vitex)

RPL~ recurrent pregnancy loss~

All of our tests were normal. Which should be good, right? But when everything is normal, what is there to fix? 50% of woman with multiple losses have perfectly normal testing. And for me, the confusion only deepened. Afterall, I managed to carry four, what the hell was wrong with me now.

So what do most people do when desperately wanting answers and solutions? GOOGLE!

Over and over again I read about an herb called vitex. For it's "hormone balancing properties" and ability to prevent a miscarriage. I read a lot about it, not being one to just start popping a pill cause the internet said. At first, there weren't really any side effects except headaches that improved after a few weeks. It was after I ovulated that vitex took a toll on me. Cramps and more cramps. And more cramps. I had a lot of pregnancy things going on, but had already read that may happen. I just wasn't prepared for the increased cramping and irritation.

I was really not sure what I wanted the next step to be. Do I have enough days of being fertile even left to keep "trying" things I read on the internet? So I decided to give clomid a try. I thought I was prepared for some minor side effects.

How About the Male Aspect in All This...

I can't truly give you this from the male pov. But i wanted to breakdown what David has done in all of this besides the obvious..

 

He had his chromsome karotype tested at the same time I did. There was a possibility that our DNA was so closely matched that it couldn't work together. He also had to submit to a semen analysis. I will leave the details out.....but they involved a kid yelling for the bus to come, a place to be in exactly 30 minutes, and another destination within the hour (kept warm)

So all the numbers from the semen analysis looked ok, a few less "perfect ones" than they like. But have no fear he too can share my love of taking lots of pills:

Vitamin C 1000mg

B-Complex

Zinc

Vitamin E

I think thats a pretty tame list all things considered.

And that marvelous man takes them all without complaint

But for the record, I take:

inositol
borage oil
zinc
vitamin e
b-comlex
vitamin
 

MC # 3

David might have been ready to give up, but I at least wanted answers and explanations as to why after having successfully birthed four children and he successfully fathering one, was I now being very unsuccessful. So I called my midwife and told her to refer me to the RE. The appt was for mid-August, and I was already very nervous of what I could find out.

However.........my suspicions peaked again at the beginning of August that I may indeed be pregnant again. By this time, one doesn't hold their breath too long or get hopes too high. So I waited a few extra days to test. But when I did.....it was yet again (faintly) positive. I really began to wonder about the consistant faint second lines. A few more days go by with the very real fear that this too will shortly come to an end. I didn't even tell David for a few days out of worry of what his reaction would be. Plus if I lost this one as well, maybe only one of us needed to bear the pain again.

I ended up telling him, holding both of those stressors was too much for my little brain. Less than 6 hours after I caved and told him; I started bleeding. Again. Only this time was much more emotional for me. I know I cried for at least 6 hours solid. I was so physically and emotionally exhausted.  I cried for babies long gone from me in another life. I cried until I could no longer see. David "was glad" i told him, but his stance didn't change and THAT was the hardest part of it all to swallow. Because now the tears I cried were for me and what I wanted so much, but wasn't going to get.

The next morning I had someplace to go and when i came back, David had changed his mind completely. We had a conversation that took a few hours and a lot more tears.....but at the end of it I had never felt like anyone had ever loved me more. This was indeed something we both wanted and planned to work towards together.

BIG TALK # 256

The day I went in for the follow-up from the second miscarriage, my darling boyfriend put a charm in my dashboard that had an angel on it and it said "healing". Just what I needed that morning, and there it still remains. So when I got back home he and I discussed clomid and intervention and my age and so on.

 

David's reply; No interventions. No "intentionally trying". And definitely NO clomid. He said we were done, we'd been through too much and our Karma clearly wasn't in our favor. This from a man that had stated many times he wanted more children, had now had enough........It was salt & wound slammed together in seconds!

MC # 2

The whole time we were moving I was tired and cranky, kept having shortness of breath, ect. The whole house felt like it was rumbling with stress and newness so i figured I would go pee on a stick.

WHY NOT??

 





Once again......(faintly)++++ Well my extreme bitchiness could at least be explained THIS TIME :)

I got used to the idea and started to hit that slightly excited stage. Afterall, bad luck only happens once, right?

However....3 days later it became very clear this too would not last.

If # 1 breaks your heart, # 2 will break your soul. I couldn't believe I was going through this again.

My midwife was a little less optimistic this go-round. She said a lot of blah, blah, blah.....but basics: I'm old and may need a little intervention if i really wanted to have another one......And I was given the option of being referred to an RE; Reproductive Endocrinologist. Also was offered clomid. I just did not know enough about clomid to jump into that boat.



Moving Time!!

June 2012

It was time to move out of our house that was ridiculously too small. So we moved into a much larger house with a really awesome back yard! All the kids seemed to like it a lot, which always makes it way better! Chayce and Avery upstairs with their own rooms and Zephyr and Ollie downstairs sharing a room. But the BEST part was having TWO bathrooms! You have no idea how only one bathroom sucks until you share it with four boys.

A New Journey Begins

After some soul searching, following a "series of unfortunate events", we decided we are adults and didnt need permission to be so. It was at that time we decided to just see what happened with the approach of liking the idea of wanting another child. We weren't "trying" and we weren't "preventing". We went with "it will happen when it happens"

 There is so much to be found and read and interpretted when it comes to fertility, but I am SuPeR FerTiLe! So I never saw a single potential problem. In March I had a suspicion so I took a test. It was indeed (faintly) ++.We took a few minutes and got cautiously ok with that.

 

I was in shock a few days later when I began to spot, they only got worse. At work that night I was in the bathroom every 20minutes. .

My midwife felt  sure that this was a fluke and the next time would be a charm.........

Meet Us

 

This is me and  my wonderful boyfriend.........

We have known each other 15 years, been friends on and off,
and never planned to come together
and fall in love  



 

Between the two of us, we have five pretty awesome kids. All Boys!

17*11*8*6*2

We love being parents and clearly love challenge and adventure!

And the 17 year old!